Glad I could be of service. Just to be clear just because I'm nit-picking doesn't mean I'm not enjoying it. I'm not much of a grammar Nazi but I just prefer to read clean text when it comes to any sort of stories.
3:
Page 1 Lines 1-2 "The sun was ruthlessly burning Egypt’s face as the faces of the clocks were about to hit noon." - Don't really like the wording. It's not incorrect per se, I just think it could be worded better. Here's my stab at it: 'The sun shone mercilessly upon Egypt's surface as the hands of time were reunited with each other once again.' It's your story so you can word it however you want, I just thought it sounded a bit off, maybe the above can give you some inspiration. Or keep it the way it is if you prefer.
Page 1 Line 3 "[...] moving along numerous stands [...]" - I prefer '[...] moving past stands containing [...]' or something along those lines.
Page 1 Line 11 Word 3 "book" - You can book a hotel room or a flight but when talking about actual items it sounds more natural to say reserved". For example: '[...] to find all the tools he
needed and reserving them.'
Page 1 Lines 23-27 "Daniel turned into a
deserted side street and kept throwing wild looks behind his back with a paranoid frequency. "
Number 12, 14, 16, 18...No, that’s the wrong
alley, we need to look further...” Daniel muttered to himself while he was checking the numbers on wooden doors." - See colors for contradictions. Other minor issues: "paranoid frequency" You can do something paranoid often, but you can not do something in paranoidly {reference to time}. Better to say something like '[...] and kept throwing paranoid looks behind him with great frequency' or something.
Page 2 Lines 1-2 "Daniel seemed to pay absolutely no attention to Agrippa’s words" - Did he seem to, or did he? If he
did, then I would word it: 'Daniel paid absolutely no attention to Agrippa's words".
Page 2 3rd-4th lines from bottom "Right, we’re going there but you MUST KEEP DEAD QUIET." - Dead quiet sounds unusual to me. 'Dead silent' sounds better but I'd opt for simply 'you must keep quiet'.
Page 3 Line 4 "[...] horrible events that had plagued his past [...]" - Personally I think '[...] horrible events that plagued his past [...]' without the auxiliary had sounds better.
Page 3 Lines 5-6 "[...] but he shook them and made his way to the very west of the
town." - West is not a definite location so you can not say the
very west of something. You can make your way to the
very center or probably what you were going for the
far western end of town/very west end of town.
Page 3 Line 10 "[...] closer do the massive [...]" - Annoying little typo there: closer
to.
Page 3 Lines 12-13 "[...] Daniel felt himself being knocked down [...]" - A better effect is achieved I think simply through '[...] Daniel felt himself knocked down [...]'.
Page 3 Line 19 "He was getting too old for this" - Isn't Daniel pretty young? I'd guess 25 or younger.
Page 3 Line 22 "[...] master, a tall, scary looking [...]" - Since it's a description that follows the word 'master' I think a colon is in order: '[...] master: a tall, scary looking [...]'.
Page 3 4th-1st line from bottom "Long time no see, Ibrahim.” Ibrahim replied. “Hello, Daniel. You’re alive! I guess that means the second option, eh?" - It's weird to preface the actual reply by saying "<person> replied." They haven't actually replied yet. So it's better either to write: 'Ibrahim replied:' or '<reply>, Ibrahim replied.'
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Fan-made Amnesia Sequel
