Story I wrote

[Melvin]

I don't know much about storytelling itself, but years of learning english as a second language (writing essays and whatnot) have at least provided me with some understanding on how to craft sentences. So maybe I can try and give you some feedback on your style of writing...

First of all I'm with andyrockin123 - I think some longer sentences here and there would make your style more flowing and more pleasing to read. In many cases you could simply combine two or even more of your sentences into one.

Secondly I think you could try to avoid listing minor details. Try to give vivid descriptions of interesting things like the location, thoughts, sounds etc. instead of describing every step the character takes. This is especially apparent in this part:

He lifted his eyebrows, and thought ''Whatever''. He just kept walking, until he reached the stairs. ''This must be the way to the second floor.'' He thought logically. He walked up the stairs. When he reached the second floor, he looked to his right. There was a door, open. He felt suspense. And walked towards the open door. The door said ''Room 206'', his room. He quickly looked what was behind the door.

Could just be something like this:
The stairs were creaking under his weight and each of his steps rose clouds of dust into the dry air. The second floor consisted of two rows of identical green doors, dimly lit by what little light came through a small window at the end of the corridor. One of the doors was openend slightly, the number "206" barely visible under a layer of dirt.

Well, maybe a bit flowery, but you get the idea Often its more than enough to imply that something has happened. For example the reader will already assume that the man is going to go to his room, so you don't need to tell that explicitly and can use the space to create atmosphere instead.

Nice! It's things like this that inspire me Thanks