Wot a Traggeydy

[Froge]

The stench of his dormitory room struck Kman like a sulfurous wind. A nauseating gale emitted furiously from behind the door, and he thought that he might as well be walking into a sewer. Kman slowly put his hand upon the knob and prepared himself mentally to face what lay ahead of him. It was not going to a pretty sight. He could already see the stains and the slime oozing out from the little crack beneath the door despite that the room was wholly dark. There was only a little light on the other side, a flickering blue glow. Kman had already guessed what it was. He only hoped that his roommate was still alive. It had been three days.

Kman flinched a little as he turned the knob and pushed the door forward. Immediately the stench of the room struck him at full force, and Kman nearly fell over backwards. It was not so much the stench as it was the disappointment that pained him. Kman could hear sounds of movement coming from within the room, and this relaxed his anxiety a little bit. His roommate was probably still breathing. Kman pushed the door open fully and then took a shaky step into the room. It was very dark inside save for the flickering light of the television. The bluish glow illuminated a large sofa inches away from it, and sitting on the sofa was the gargantuan, almost blob-like figure of a tortured being.

"failedALIAS! You failed again!" Kman exclaimed as he rushed towards his roommate to turn off the television. He knew that ALIAS had gone too far again. And it had only been three days.

The gargantuan blob slowly moved its head out from the surface of the sofa to reveal vaguely human features. The lips were a deep red, enlarged, and swollen; a noticeable contrast against the paleness of the rest of the face. ALIAS looked almost like a clown. Then the rest of the blob shifted - his weight was tremendous, and Kman could hear the agonized creaking of the sofa (or was it the agonized creaking of the human being? He couldn't really tell) while ALIAS tried to move. Limbs parted from the blob-like body to reveal arms and legs, and a very short and stubby neck had to protrude itself in order to be visible between the head and the shoulders. ALIAS' eyes turned to face Kman; they had a strange glare reminiscent of a far-off look.

"Kman," ALIAS whispered, his voice shaky like pudding and trembling as if even his ability to speak had been crushed under the weight of his morbidly obese body. "I'm glad you came."

"ALIAS! What have you done to yourself?" Kman demanded. "I left for only three days and THIS happened?"

"I couldn't help it," ALIAS responded in his weak voice. His hand seemed to reach into some part of his huge blob-like body - until Kman realized that it was a bag of chips that had been stored underneath ALIAS' clothes.

"ALIAS, please," Kman replied, smacking away ALIAS' weak and flabby hands as he tried to stick a handful of stale chips into his mouth. "You need to get up and move yourself."

"Why would I want to do that?" ALIAS asked contemptuously. "My life is perfectly fine. In fact, I was actually doing quite well until you came along." He pointed with a weak finger towards the television screen. "Move it. And turn the TV back on."

With a sigh, Kman turned towards the television and turned it on again. But he remained standing in front of ALIAS. "I can't support you forever, you know?"

"Why not?" ALIAS tried to reach into his clothes again for the chips, but he groaned as he realized that doing so took too much effort.

"You need to stop eating so much and wasting your time doing nothing but watching television. Make yourself move. Become healthier, you know! Not this" - Kman pointed with an accusing finger at the blob-shaped mass that lay on the sofa in front of him - "pudding body which you've been acquiring lately!"

ALIAS simply shrugged in response. His eyes remained fixed on the television screen in front of him, despite the fact that Kman had not left his view.

"Get up, man," Kman continued. "You have to find a way to make yourself useful."

"What can I do?"

Kman thought to himself for a moment. "You know, ALIAS, last week I joined a club known as the Organization of People Who Are Useful to Society (OPWAURS)."

"Never heard of it," ALIAS replied apathetically. His eyes still didn't move from the TV. "What kind of lame ass club has a name like that?"

"You might know it by another name," Kman continued. "It's called Getting a Job."

It took a while for ALIAS to register. Finally he responded, "Nope. Takes too much work."

With a sigh, Kman turned around and made for the door. "This place is digusting," he said. "I have to leave to go buy some stuff tonight. Get up off your ass and clean this place before I come back."

"I'll do it later," ALIAS replied quite simply, prompting Kman to storm out the door furiously.

For several minutes ALIAS simply sat in the sofa doing nothing but watching TV. He was far too lazy to move, much less get up from his seat to clean the place as Kman, his roommate, had suggested. There was nothing interesting on the television either; the only things that really mattered to him were food and sleep. He had sustained himself on nothing but chips for the past few months. Once, when Kman tried to get ALIAS to eat a carrot, ALIAS made a noticeable face of such disgust that Kman thought ALIAS' body must have experienced some chemical reaction in response to the thought of eating something healthy. Because ALIAS never moved from the sofa, he was also prone to sleeping at least twenty hours a day. He awoke for the sole purpose of sustaining his stomach.

ALIAS was about to doze off again - nothing but boring commercials on television - when something on TV suddenly caught his eye. There was a bright flash of light, followed by the booming of thunder, and then a sizzling sound like the discharge of electricity. A man in a bright yellow jump suit came on screen - he stood on a stage in what appeared to be a bar - and pointed at his audience.

"Listen up, you weaklings," the man declared. ALIAS snapped to attention.

"Are you in an astoundingly offensive piece of fanfiction?" He began. "Is your roommate the only one with a job to support you and your fat, useless life?"

"Yes!" ALIAS exclaimed.

"Do you have no friends, no social life, and no GURLFRIEND?" The man continued. "Do you want to get up and make yourself move? Lose all of that weight so that you can finally get a job?"

"YES!" ALIAS yelled again, as if the words had finally opened his eyes.

"Do you want to actually be USEFUL to society?"

"YES!" ALIAS screamed with what weak vocal chords still operated.

"Then come out to Statyk's club of Dance and Fitness, you fatass!" The man yelled. "Don't worry, it's not far from where you live. Just go to 410 Brennenburg Street, in the south block of Alexander Region. We operate on Thursday Nights between 7 to 10 PM."

The location and times were seared into ALIAS' brain.

"But you have to be the one who takes the first step, so get up off your ass, loser! We'll be expecting you at the club tonight." There was another bright flash of light, followed by the rolling of thunder, and then the commercial had ended.

"Thursday night!?" ALIAS exclaimed out loud. "But that's tonight!" His arms and legs were weak, so very weak. He had probably not left his seat for a couple of weaks now. ALIAS tried his best to stretch his limbs out - it took several of tries, they were rusted like old machines - and, when feeling finally returned to his abdomen and legs, ALIAS sat up and moved himself into a sitting position.

The next step was standing up.

ALIAS allowed his feet to plant themselves firmly onto the floor, before taking a few seconds to breathe in deeply and prepare himself mentally for the ordeal that was about to come. When he felt that he was finally ready, ALIAS put all his weight into his legs and tried to use them, short and stubby though they were, to support the gargantuan mass that was his body. Instantly he felt dizzy and the ground beneath him shake as he tried to stand up, but ALIAS knew that he could not give up now. With a loud cry of determination, ALIAS attempted to maintain his balance while he rose himself to his full height. His knees trembled, and his stance was very wobbly. He thought that he would fall at any second now and crash to the floor like the useless blob that he was. ALIAS closed his eyes and tried his hardest to remain steadfast and determined.

Seconds passed, perhaps minutes. Yet nothing happened. He did not fall. ALIAS remained standing for the first time in two weeks. When he opened his eyes he found himself balancing on nothing but his own two feet, and there was no sofa or cushion beneath him - nothing but the cold, hard ground to catch him if he were to fall. What a brave feat!

"Success!" ALIAS exclaimed. Now, the next step was walking.

~

The night club looked somewhat shadier than how the place had appeared on television. It could be described as disheleved, at best. When ALIAS stepped through the front door he was greeted first by darkness, and then by flashing lights - streaks of purple, green, yellow, and blue streaming across the walls, floor, and ceiling. It was a dance club all right. ALIAS seemed to have arrived just on time, for the very same man stood on the podium at the far end of the room as the one in the commercial, yellow jumpsuit and all. He was about to begin his show.

"Welcome to Statyk's Club of Dance and Fitness!" The man, presumably Statyk, yelled into the microphone. Uproarious cheering erupted from the crowd, and everyone was standing up - there were no seats in the room. ALIAS tried to push himself forward. He noticed that everyone at the club was quite obese as well, though none as much as him. They all looked ready to dance.

"I'm sure you all came here because you saw the new commercial I released for my club," Statyk continued. "Well, it's a good thing you did. Look at all of you! Nothing but a bunch of fat, worthless losers." You pointed a finger accusingly at the entire crowd. ALIAS noticed particularly Statyk's gaze falling upon him.

There suddenly came a blast of heavy music from two giant speakers that lay adjacent to the podium, and Statyk threw himself into an impressive pose with one hand on his waist and the other (the one holding the microphone) pointing at the air. "Let's dance, motherfuckers!"

The entire crowd went wild and started moving about sporatically, as all of them were morbidly obese and didn't really know how to begin. Statyk audibly cleared his throat, using the microphone to allow his voice to be heard.

"Let's begin with a classic," Statyk said. "I call this dance move the CORINTHIAN."

The crowd watched in wonder and attempted to follow Statyk's movements as the man suddenly straightened himself and raised his arms in the air so that he looked almost like a pillar. Seconds lately, the music from the speakers became somewhat softer, transitioning into a low and steady series of intoxicating beats. ALIAS couldn't help but begin moving along with the rhythm.

Then suddenly Statyk jumped into the air and spun himself around like a whirlwind. At this exact moment, the music returned at full volume and sounded like fifteen electric guitars blasting at once with the audible notes of some head-banging piano in the background. Statyk proceeded to jump and spin about the stage, the trademark of this dance move apparently transitioning his body into a pillar formation every ten seconds or so and then jumping up and twirling himself around.

ALIAS couldn't help but think that Statyk's dancing was absolutely ridiculous and almost impossible to imitate. Fortunately, the crowd appeared to be doing just as bad as him. Given the obesity of everyone in the audience, there was very little room for anyone to move about and soon limbs and bodies were crashing together all too frequently. Statyk was the only one who appeared graceful and entertaining too watch. ALIAS wondered if dancing like this would help him lose any weight at all.

Minutes passed. The music was fine and ALIAS was beginning to sweat for the first time in a long while. He didn't really talk to anybody in the room or try to make himself stand out. ALIAS stood at the center of the crowd and attempted to blend in - a hard thing to do when he appeared to be the one crashing into others the most. The sheer weight of everyone in the room made all the jumping and twirling quite precarious, and the ground also shook every time they landed. Nevertheless, with the intoxicating rhythms and the sheer craziness of Statyk's "CORINTHIAN" dance movement, ALIAS found that he was actually enjoying himself.

The music suddenly stopped and the lights in the room turned on fully. Before anyone could groan or complain, the door leading into the room suddenly burst open and a dozen muscular black men carrying machine guns made their way in. Immediately everyone fell to the floor for cover, although none of the men fired any shots. Stepping into the room last was a man with long red hair and whose face covered in piercings. He wore ripped jeans and a black t-shirt with the word "TRAGGEY" imprinted upon it in pink.

"What's the big deal!?" Statyk exclaimed, his voice resonating across the entire room with the volume of the microphone.

"Fuckin' nigga stole my club," Traggey replied as he pointed at Statyk. "You think you big, dawg?" Twelve machine guns were pointed at the podium.

"What's the matter with you!?" Statyk said as he walked to the front of the stage. "I won that dance competition last week. This place is mine, you hear?"

Traggey calmly swaggered past the crowd of obese and fearful people trying to keep their heads low. When he reached the podium as well, he declared: "Dance-off. Right here."

"I can beat you any day," Statyk replied coldly.

Traggey nodded. "Nigga please, watch this." He ordered one of the gun-carrying men to go to the speakers and put on a new song. Moments later there came the sound of intensely fast violins with a quick but steady beat in the background. And Traggey began tap dancing; his feet was a tornado of speed.

"Stop, stop!" Statyk yelled. The music suddenly changed into a familiar and yet strangely aggravating beat.

"Oppa Statyk style," Statyk whispered as he stepped forward.