Sickness Thread

[Ashtoreth]

I've had panic attacks in the past due to stress/anxiety.
The first time was in April 2007. One night I arrived home from work at 2 AM, and my heart rate was at 100 BPM for no apparent reason, but I tried to calm down and not think too much about it. I was a heavy coffee drinker at the time, I used to drink something like 8 espressos a day, and I was a workaholic too, so I thought it might have to do with that. I just said to myself "I'm tired and stressed from work, I'll go to sleep and this feeling will go away".
Anyway, I went to bed, but I couldn't stop thinking about it. I started sweating and feeling a pain my chest, and also a numbness in my left arm, my head felt cold and empty inside. I measured my heart rate again and it was now around 120 BPM. I thought that I was going to die, so I called for my mother and she called the emergency number, but after the triage they considered it was not an urgent matter and told me to go to the doctor in the morning. I took a mild tranquillizer and tried to stay calm but all I thought was "my heart is going to stop, I'm going to die".
Anyway, I went to the doctor in the morning, I was feeling a little bit better but the pain in my chest wouldn't go away. My doctor told me that judging by the symptoms, I had had a panic attack, and that the pain I was feeling in my chest was in the sternum and not in the heart, and that it was due to the anxiety. So she prescribed me Inderal to control the tachycardia and anxiety. I also did an electrocardiogram and nothing was detected.
I took Inderal for about two months, I felt better but still had pain in the chest sometimes and paranoia about dying; it was worse when I worked night shifts (midnight to 8 AM) because I was alone at the office and I would start imagining that I was going to die and there would be no one to help me.
Anyway, the medication started having the opposite effect (bradycardia), I started feeling that my heart rate was too low (sometimes only 40 BPM), so I stopped taking it.

The problem never really went away, but I always managed to control the situation. I reduced the coffee consumption, I started to take long walks (before or after work depending on the shift), and I found out the best possible therapy: crying. Whenever I feel stressed, anxious or angry, I let it all out in the form of tears. It's very cathartic, even though most people around me don't understand it; they see it as a sign of weakness I guess.

Last year, I had my second panic attack. At the time I was working in an even more stressing job. It happened inside the subway train on rush hour and it was completely full, I couldn't move a finger. I have always felt very nervous in crowded tight places, but this time it was different. I was sweating and having trouble breathing, I imagined that I was going to die crushed by the mass of people. I started crying compulsively and I immediately left the train in the next stop. Fortunately I had some Victan pills, that I had ""borrowed"" from my boyfriend (he suffers from chronic depression), so I popped one and waited a little bit. I started to feel better and then I went to work walking. Of course, I arrived late that day.
Anyway, my job was starting to drive me nuts, and I felt it was worsening my situation, but I kept taking Victan on SOS, so I managed to hold on to it for a few months more. Also, earlier that year, my cat had been diagnosed with psychogenic dermatitis and the vet prescribed him Tryptizol (amitriptyline), a medication that is also used to treat depression and anxiety on humans. When he finished the treatment, the box still had quite some pills left, so I starting taking those too.
But I wasn't happy with what I was doing, I didn't want to become addicted to drugs. So I took a difficult and risky decision, I removed the root of the problem: I quit my shitty job.

I'm still unemployed, but I feel much better, both mentally and physically. I feel "clean" and optimistic, and that is the most important thing to me right now. I'm slowly coming back to life, with the precious help of a great friend (you know who you are). Recently I started re-writing my CV and I hope to have the strength and motivation to start looking for a new job very soon.

I never reached for psychiatric help/counselling because I can't imagine myself talking face to face to a stranger about these problems. Besides, I've seen what psychiatrists do. They can't afford to lose too much time with each patient so they just prescribe a bunch of drugs to act upon your brain and create the illusion that you are fine. I have the example of my boyfriend, he's been taking antidepressants for years and he can't imagine living without them anymore. I don't want that for me.