What the story needed [SPOILER]

[Unhandled]

First off, I want to say that I loved playing the game. I'd like to get that out of the way because I don't want people thinking I hate or have any ill feelings toward the game. I did not play Penumbra or the Penumbra series, and I believe I am exactly the type of person that Fractional set out to attract, which is the reason why I spent quite a bit of time compiling this. I think I can say I'm a huge fan of the game.

I did not have any issues whatsoever with the length of the game. I think that it is a lame excuse to say a game is not worth $20-30 due to length (unless it's extremely short, like under 4 hours), and I would simply ignore any reviewer that implies such a thing. I do, however, have some issues with the plot that I will detail in a few questions below. It should be clear that this entire post is essentially one big SPOILER.

There seem to be three (maybe four or five with the loading screens and savepoints) different storylines going throughout the game, the first I will refer to as the GAME storyline, the second I will call the DIARY storyline (includes notes), and the third I will mention as the FLASHBACK storyline. I believe these storylines make up what we know of as the story, and I think they failed in their attempt to inform us what was going on, especially near the end of the game. I am going to explain why.

One of my favorite sayings is that in order for an audience to understand you, you have to do three things:
1) Tell them what you're going to tell them.
2) Tell them.
3) Tell them what you told them.

Remember this as we go over these storylines, because I think they could have helped foreshadow what was going to come a lot better.

The GAME storyline
The actual game storyline is pretty straightforward, when I refer to this, I'm basically referring to the present events as the player experiences them.

The DIARY storyline
I understand the necessity of explaining how Daniel got the orb and events leading up to him realizing that Alexander was evil, however, there were a few things in this storyline (particularly at the end) that could have helped foreshadow events to come. Especially when this storyline, in particular, was being used to foreshadow other events at the start of the game, it seemed to just utterly fail at its job near the end of the game. Pacing for the diary entries seemed to fall off near the end as well.

The FLASHBACK storyline
Much of this storyline was used to explain when Alexander first brought Daniel into certain areas and what the purpose of the areas was. This was done well, however one particular problem existed in not having enough of an introduction for the events of the latter third of the game, as well as not having enough of a foreshadowing of specific events that were about to happen as well as how to avoid them.

What is the Kaernk water beast?
None of the storylines foreshadow the beast and only one of them, the DIARY storyline, even references the creature, near the very end of the game and well after you are in any danger from it anymore.

The FLASHBACK storyline could have had Alexander opening the entrance with Daniel in the Refinery saying the following:
ALEXANDER: "And this is how we get to the Archives."
DANIEL: "I thought the Archives were upstairs?"
ALEXANDER: "Of course they are, Daniel, but down in the Cellar Archives I store the information I don't want just anyone to read."
DANIEL: "But can't someone just follow us down here?"
ALEXANDER: "Not without a way to ward off the guard dogs. Oh my! How they make such a splash. But don't worry, you're with me, and not all alone, right?"

The DIARY storyline could have had a note (much like the Wilhelm note in previous areas) that read:
Alexandar was very particular about it, we were to leave the food down the hole just inside the water. We weren't supposed to stay down there. That fool! Why did he insist on seeing them? It was far too dark and all we hear were splashes, he didn't even try to get to high ground. Curiosity killed the cat all right -- or at least my partner -- especially when he couldn't even see the dog!

These two items alone would have added so much more depth to the Kaernk without having ruined anything. These explain that it needed "fed meat", that it was invisible, and that they are in the water thus the player needs to not be. This would help immensely during the GAME storyline.

GAME-storyline complaints:
1) The first area is too difficult of an introduction to the Kaernk with the boxes being so unevenly spaced and the monster being able to attack the player even on boxes. Compare this to the second encounter in the Cistern where you can easily get away. It doesn't make any sense to have the harder encounter first.
2) There is no "rest" space between the first and second beast in the first encounter. Having a spot to rest and perhaps a DIARY storyline bit would provide the player with a chance to refresh and give the story a sense of pacing that it otherwise lacks in this part.

What is the Servant Grunt?
We never get any idea that Alexander needed non-human servants for anything. In fact, there doesn't seem to be a real purpose. I seemed to think, at the start of the game, that they were the "shadow" chasing me. Then, after learning they were not the shadow, I figured that these creatures somehow "escaped" from whatever lay below the castle. But then even that seemed to be in question, as they were clearly part of Alexander's control at the end of the game.

You might be asking me, "But why do we need to know anything about them at all? A good horror story doesn't always explain everything." And you're right, we don't need to know anything about the creatures themselves. But what separates a video game from a novel is that in the novel you are being told what is happening to the main character and what he is thinking after his first encounter. He learns more about the creatures he faces or how to stop them, even during contemplation.

In any good horror story, do you know of a single one that introduces the horror over five times without the protagonist learning what it is that is chasing him or learning ways to stop it? Especially when there is a "shadow" that is also apparently chasing him that is completely different? The experiences with the servants should progress our character's knowledge of them, or, barring that, we need to learn more about them via the storyline. Because we don't, we feel cheated out of the experience and dodging the Servants simply becomes a "chore".

Additionally, at some point prior to the Guest room, Storage, or Study, they need to be introduced as part of Alexander's control, even if we have already seen them before, it is highly likely the player has not yet had to run or hide from them at this point.

A possible FLASHBACK storyline could be modifying the elevator sequence make Alexander sound quirkier:
ALEXANDER: "Ah, and here's our vehicle to below."
DANIEL: "Why, Alexander, that's remarkable! Did you make this yourself?"
ALEXANDER: "I have made all sorts of machinations for men, and of men."
DANIEL: "Surely you jest? You cannot make men."
ALEXANDER: "Of course not, but you can make servants of them, even if they only resemble men. Come now, let us be on our trip to the underworld."
DANIEL: "Hah, you make it sound like we're descending to hell!"
ALEXANDER: "That, or perhaps just madness, Daniel."

I cannot think of a proper foreshadow using the DIARY storyline (a note here would just seem out of touch with the game, I don't think it's important, anyway).

GAME storyline complaints:
None

What is the Brute Grunt?
We are never told why these exist. The assumption seems to be that they police the Servant Grunts, and possibly even kill them. That being said, I'm not sure what Fractional was wanting to do with the story, but these suffer the same problem as the Servant Grunts in the story, there is no introduction (though with these in particular, I'm not sure there needs to be).

GAME storyline complaints:
There was a point in the Sewers where one of these that I quietly avoided just starts chasing me while I am crouched. I have a feeling this was intentional, but a loud roar and a bit more time might have been handy. This could be done by making the hall (where you can hear his footsteps) a bit longer or having the event trigger once on the other side of the door. I actually felt like I missed a really good part of the game when I got back to that point and he didn't appear to chase me again. I wish he would have reappeared so I could try running from him again.

Who is Agrippa? Who is Weyer?
The DIARY storyline could have referred much earlier on to Agrippa and Weyer. In fact, there could have been introductions to the Three referring to Alexander, Agrippa, and Weyer since the very beginning. Doing this, even if only once, would have given the player the idea that Alexander maybe had equals somewhere, even if Daniel himself didn't know of them.

Instead, we are supposed to believe that our encounter is the first one we have ever had with Agrippa, despite the Transept and Choir's prep room being both places Daniel has clearly visited before, and Agrippa pretty clearly not in a state to move around located in the room with entrances to both. Weyer literally enters the story out of nowhere, shortly after you meet Agrippa, and we only have the one GAME storyline evidence that any of this is true, all being essentially retold by one man. We later find a note in the DIARY storyline that appears to confirm Weyer knows of and has concocted a potion, but that's the only real mention of him we really get.

One of the things the GAME storyline could have done to make this easier to understand would have been to have Agrippa mention that the Three of them were doing things with the orbs and that Weyer took his with him when he went through the portal (that seems a bit unclear and you have to infer it with the current storyline).

A FLASHBACK storyline event at the beginning of the Nave map is suspiciously missing. Instead, Alexander starts talking directly to the player, telling him to stop what he is doing. This is horrible for the storyline. He who was once our mentor in each of these areas is now suddenly our antagonist, and there seems to be no reasonable explanation as to why he knows we intend to kill him other than that the player is collecting pieces of the orb. No sort of event happened from the Sewers to the Nave that explains why this is the case, and it is simply bad storytelling to break the fourth wall of the FLASHBACK and have present-day Alexander speak like FLASHBACK Alexander. We don't need to know what Alexander is thinking now, we need to know about the areas we are about to enter.

Therefore, the start of the Nave should have this conversation:
ALEXANDER: "Ah, we are finally here."
DANIEL: "And where is here?"
ALEXANDER: "The Cathedral. More specifically, the Nave. I don't expect you to know about architecture, however, just do your best to avoid the implements behind the curtains downstairs."
DANIEL: "Have you ever taken anyone else down here?"
ALEXANDER: "Well, for a time there were the Three of us here, slaving away. Together, we were unstoppable in satisfying our knowledge of the Orbs, in fact. But one went his own way and the other doesn't show himself anymore. Or, rather, can't show himself anymore. But let's not talk of horrible pasts! Follow me, Daniel."

Additionally, the Nave could have a Diary entry or a note left behind by Agrippa to Weyer or Weyer to Agrippa mentioning something of little consequence. As it stands, we have no foreshadowing of what is to come. Repeating "three" over and over as I've highlighted would work wonders for the story.

GAME storyline complaints:
Agrippa could show goodwill toward the player by pointing out the machine doesn't work and the player needs to get on the torture table and move a gear. As it stands, the player really has no reason to trust him.
Agrippa needs to say over and over after the player uses Weyer's Tonic:
AGRIPPA: "Great! Now, cut off my head and throw it in the portal once it opens! Throw me in the portal!"

What is the shadow?
I still don't know what this is aside from at the very end where it becomes evident that it is right behind me. At first I thought it might be this organic tissue just suddenly appearing all over the place. But no, I make acid to have it go away. Then I thought it was the Kaernk water beast, but nope, that is mentioned as being from the beyond in a note on how to make the Tonic. Then I thought it was the Grunts, but nope, turns out they work for Alexander. So I have literally no idea what the shadow is or when it shows up aside from the very end when it kills you in the "bad" ending.

I know it is mentioned that it "guards" the orb and that Daniel's friends have died in horrible ways to it and that Alexander thinks it is better to use the orb against than to just give it back, but why not ask Agrippa what to do? How has he survived against it himself for hundreds of years being chained up like he is? How did Weyer?

What is the beyond? Who, or what, is Alexander?
It seems like Weyer went here, Alexander is possibly from here, and the Kaernk is likely from here. Aside from that, there is no explanation. Maybe there doesn't need to be, but it might be handy to have it repeated three times (instead of just once) why Alexander is trying to get there. It appears to be because he has a lover there, but we never get any idea throughout any of the storylines that this is a man obsessed with getting back to his true love. That would have helped.

Anyway, I apologize for this being as long as it is, but I wanted to make sure I covered a few of the problems I had that, with just a few tweaks, would have made the story better. I hope that sequels (if there are any) address some of these issues or close some of these open holes. Thanks.