[WIP] [Story] Cry for my Kingdom

[Sharkhead]

Hello there

First, i'm new here in this forum and my english isn't that much, because i from Brazil, so please, be patient with me . I don't know if this is the right place to post, because i want to know what you guys think about the story i'm working on.

This is my first story, i'm trying to be a writer, so as a writer, trying to write some good custom storys based on Amnesia.

So, here goes:

Cry for my Kingdom

In the city of Trilask, many people live. Among them, live the Laberts. Brand Labert, father of two teenagers, George and Trevis, was murdered. Nobody knows the cause of death. People suspect that was a mandate of King Arquiles, old man who ruled the city almost 34 years. George, who is 14, goes in search of answers, trying to infiltrate the kingdom. Trevis, 17, advises not to go, yelling at him, because in the castle of the king there's not only soldiers, but modified creatures, hideous, that lurk there, created to torture invaders. Ignoring the advice and seeking revenge, George went in haste towards to the kingdom.
-If you go, please try to come back alive, you fool! Trevis said.
- ALIVE OR DEAD, I WANT MY REVENGE! George said, running and leaving home, leaving Trevis alone at dawn.

Why did they killed his father?
How they killed him?
Who killed him?
Why suspect Arquiles? Because of his creatures?

"Son, when you get older, i will teach you how to be a man of good deeds!"







So, this is just the beginning about the whole story and map. There will be puzzles, mistery, ambient, no jumpscare, no paranormal things, i guess. Thats it! xD

[Sharkhead]

You should contact summer for some help with the grammar, and ignoring that and a few other plot holes, it sounds like an alright concept. Good luck.

Thank you.

I'm thinking about making a map and then script some things, but i dont know how im gonna do that.

Anyway, thanks xD

[failedALIAS]

Hello there

First, i'm new here in this forum and my english isn't that much, because i from Brazil, so please, be patient with me . I don't know if this is the right place to post, because i want to know what you guys think about the story i'm working on.

This is my first story, i'm trying to be a writer, so as a writer, trying to write some good custom storys based on Amnesia.

So, here goes:

Cry for my Kingdom

In the city of Trilask, many people live. Among them, live the Laberts. Brand Labert, father of two teenagers, George and Trevis, was murdered. Nobody knows the cause of death. People suspect that was a mandate of King Arquiles, old man who ruled the city almost 34 years. George, who is 14, goes in search of answers, trying to infiltrate the kingdom. Trevis, 17, advises not to go, yelling at him, because in the castle of the king there's not only soldiers, but modified creatures, hideous, that lurk there, created to torture invaders. Ignoring the advice and seeking revenge, George went in haste towards to the kingdom.
-If you go, please try to come back alive, you fool! Trevis said.
- ALIVE OR DEAD, I WANT MY REVENGE! George said, running and leaving home, leaving Trevis alone at dawn.

Why did they killed his father?
How they killed him?
Who killed him?
Why suspect Arquiles? Because of his creatures?

"Son, when you get older, i will teach you how to be a man of good deeds!"







So, this is just the beginning about the whole story and map. There will be puzzles, mistery, ambient, no jumpscare, no paranormal things, i guess. Thats it! xD

"In the city of Trilask, many people live. Among them, live the Laberts. Brand Labert, father of two teenagers, George and Trevis, was murdered." Can you tell me when the five year-old that made this will put the fucking pen down, seriously? I have read books to toddlers that had better sentence structure than this! I have read books BY toddlers that have better sentence structure than this! I would learn FUCKING PORTUGUESE in the hope that you're better with that! (Assuming that the official language of Brazil is, in fact, what you speak.) Try picking up some Latin, cause at this point anything could help. Sorry for sounding like a dick, but. . . AAAGH! Jeez I'm really gonna feel bad after posting this. I suppose before passing judgement I should ask to see a sentence written (well) in your standard language. Thank you for your time.