Bit of Advice Seeking

[Kreekakon]

Well, here I am looking for a bit of advice on a bit of what I see as a pretty messed-up mindset I am in right now. Tried to think of a more fitting thread title, but couldn't come up with anything so that's pretty much all I had.

So here we go:

For those of you who don't know from my first year of University I was part of a community service club that focuses on hosting weekend, and summer/winter camps for children, and I just got back from the latest one, which was a winter camp lasting 8 days long, and the last one I will ever go to (The winter camp of each member's senior year is the last one they are allowed to join).

And this latest camp is where my current state of anxiety is coming from. Before I go on further, in a nutshell it's made me feel worthless, and distant.

Also, throwing this out there before the long text wall begins...I have a mild case of Asperger's Syndrome, and it may have a bit to do with what I'm feeling right now. Just something to keep in mind.

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Elaborating on the roots of this feeling can be a bit confusing so I'll try to start from the beginning by how I handled my club life from my very first year up to this last fourth year. In our camps we have an array of different administrative jobs (Camp leader, activity manager, equipment, finances, etc), activity designers (People who actually create, and host the activity they are assigned to), and activity QAs (More senior club members how watch activities, and shape them up to standard). All these jobs are assigned to different people each time, and it's often very random what you get depending on the decision of camp leader.

Up to this point my main strength lay in the actual activities, and patching them up to standard. I was never much of an administrative person, and plus I hadn't gone to at least half of the camps we've had so that's made my knowledge in that field significantly worse than my peers, and even my minors in some cases.

With that being said through three years of camp going I was able to feel extremely satisfied by playing on my strengths, and making the activities I received the best I could. It made me very happy doing that I could.

On this newest winter camp however, where all senior fourth year club members played the roles of the "adviser group", is where my problem arose.

The adviser group does not have to host any activities (We were still QAs for some of them though), and their main job is assist the administrative people of the camp to do their jobs the best they can by giving advice (You are not forced to, but it is often expect of us). However like I said before my knowledge on that is completely almost nothing, so I was nearly always unable to give advice of any kind. Plus without activities, I couldn't play off of my strengths.

From observation, many of my minors I feel were better at this than even I was.

There were 7 seniors, myself included, who came to this camp. Four of them were gods among men (All four were girls actually) who went to every camp, and knew almost everything there was to know. The other two were like me lacking in camp experience, but that is where another problem comes to light.

With my asperger, I have quite a bit of a problem having fun with my fellow club members. While in the past this was a problem as well I was able to shake it off by performing my duties well, and seeing through a camp together with my friends.

I used to be a weirdo who did their job well, and now I just feel like a plain weirdo.

In this time however where I was pretty much unable to do jack anything+not even be able to be there for fun's sake, I didn't really know what the heck I was doing at all. At least the other two seniors were fairly fun people who while not being able to help, were able to still bring cheers to everyone.

So while in these eight days I was able to perform my activity QA duties fairly well, I was unable to fulfill the senior's main duty of helping a camp's administrative side run smoothly.

It also saddens me that this is my last camp, and it feels to have ended on such a note. Also worrying is that in past camps I feel to have done a fairly good job, and may have damaged my image with this last time of not being able to help as much (This could just be me being paranoid though)

So to summarize what my problem is in a few words: I used to do fine at my camps by playing off my strengths. My responsibilities at this latest, and last camp were things I was not good at doing at all, and I feel extremely worthless right now, and that my image as a senior has been damaged. This is further amplified that I was unable to at least have fun.

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This last thing I feel is an important thing to note though: I talked to one of my fellow seniors about this worry of mine during the camp about how I felt they were so amazing, and I couldn't live up to them. She told me not to worry about it, and that I had my own strengths (I was an extremely strict activity QA), and that it was normal that I had so little knowledge since I hadn't gone to as much camps as they had. It made me feel better, but not by much mostly since I couldn't use these strengths I had at this camp.

So that's pretty much everything I have to say on the matter. I mainly posted this thread here hoping to ask everyone here on what I should do with this mindset of mine. If anyone needs anymore information feel free to ask, and I will provide it!