So, since the launch of Amnesia A Machine for Pigs and Bioshock I've began to like even more steampunkish things. I've got an idea for a CS that I've been building and that I'd say it would be pretty great to see out there. However, I'm already busy with The Otherworld, and if someone were to do this it would be pretty great (I warn you please, I'm not forcing you to do it, it's just a suggestion)
STORY:
Spoiler below!
Ryan was a billionaire in the (insert age of AAMFP), who had lots of factories and resources at his hand. If he wanted anything, he would have it at the moment. He lived in a house in a little town, with his wife, Lucy.
Lucy and Ryan worked in their own factory, Ryan as a chief and Lucy as a normal worker (Lucy wanted it this way). One day, Lucy had an accident and she got basically cut to pieces by a machine. Ryan thought it had been his fault that she died, and he got depressed and began to isolate himself.
After 4 years, Ryan has disappeared, and it's up to Mark (or any name), a police officer, to discover where he is. Also, it's up to him to discover the reason behind the recent faint earthquakes.
Mark goes to Ryan house, just to see it's all messed up and there is no sign of life, only disorder and dust.
While in the house, Mark discovers that, apparently, Ryan has an underground city in an abandoned mine that went down his house. After solving a puzzle, Mark reaches the city.
[MAIN IDEA]
This story would be to find Ryan, as you guess, but it would have something pretty unique: the environment wouldn't be a cave or anything like that, it would be a TRUE city underground. As a city, there are people, but not normal people. They are "Ryan's sons":
(I still need to texture them and to animate them, which is something I will do if someone volunteers to do this)
The thing is, Ryan is the mayor of the city, and as it, he is in the most deep zone, way more meters down. The elevators that go to him are turned off, and it's your mission to turn them on so you can find Ryan. (The door back to the surface gets locked by a mechanism, so you can't get anyone to help you)
The Ryan's sons are violent, but not by choice. Ryan puts a gas that angers people, in a way that they can't think, they can only serve. The place were the gas is stored can be seen in the image of my model, in their backs.
Ryan, in his spike of madness, has decided to destroy the world of the machines, which is to say, all occidental society. To do that, though, he needed the machines anyway. He thinks that the fault of her wife dying and more other people are fault of machines, not the people that use them.
The cool part of this story comes in the concept that, while you need to find Ryan and complete your objective, you travel around a city underground, which I've been designing. A city with a circular design, like this:
http://i.imgur.com/96BLV8G.png (please I know there is just one text but it bugged and only allowed me to put that I apologise for the inconvenience)
All the city style would be steampunkish, kind of a giant factory with houses and gardens, and, while you find a way to turn on the elevators, you would have to cross a city where everything is hostile to you.
Once you find, Ryan, you should be able to:
-Agree with his plan and leave, and say you haven't found him
-Disagree with him and destroy the city (there's a way it can be done)
-Try to convince him that his plan is madness
And well, here finishes my essay. There are obviously more things, but I just wanted to show the idea. So, what do you think?
If there's any story "gap" warn me and I'll cover it :3
THE OTHERWORLD (WIP)
Aculy iz dolan.
(This post was last modified: 09-05-2014, 05:58 PM by The chaser.)
Ok, here are some of my thoughts. It's a good story overall and has a lot of potential for a CS/FC, so forgive me for picking it apart and focusing on the points that I personally would change.
Spoiler below!
First off:
(09-04-2014, 10:35 AM)The chaser Wrote: I've began to like even more steampunkish things
I only bring this up to justify some of my later comments. To me, steampunk is a kind of lo-tech sci-fi with strong fantasy trappings. I don't see AMFP as steampunk. To me it feels set in the real world in the Victorian era. Apart from pigmen and the orbs and other Amnesia cannon, AMFP isn't so far fetched. In Victorian England at that time, factories and big industrial complexes were springing up. A large meat processing plant where the workers where abused in the name of progress is not so fantastical as steampunk. AMFP is more like Victorian gothic horror (as is TDD) but with lot's of early futurism (which is a type of early sci-fi that revered machines). For reference see some of the writers (or their movie adaptations) like here. I think in a steampunk universe it's ok to take liberties and not be realistic, but if you're setting your story in the same time and place as AMFP, then there are a few inconsistencies, such as:
(09-04-2014, 10:35 AM)The chaser Wrote: Ryan was a billionaire in the (insert age of AAMFP)
AMFP is set in London in the late Victorian era (TDD is set in near the start of the Victorian era). At that time, a billion pounds was an inconceivable amount of money. I'm guessing there probably weren't any millionaires either. It's safer to say he was "very wealthy".
(09-04-2014, 10:35 AM)The chaser Wrote: Lucy and Ryan worked in their own factory, Ryan as a chief and Lucy as a normal worker (Lucy wanted it this way).
The economic and class differences between the workers and factory owner would be far more than they are today. Ryan, as a very wealthy man, would not work in the factory, as that would be below him. He would employ clerks and foremen to run his factory for him. No-one in that day would see the factory as belonging to both Lucy and Ryan: this is still a time when patrocentric family law favoured the husband. What's hers is his. Lucy would not work. She would spend her time socialising with other wealthy women and carefully navigating high society. Women who worked had jobs like farmers' wives, barmaids, washerwomen, prostitues etc.. If she was very, very modern and forward thinking and her husband very accomodating, then Ryan might humour her and allow her to become a school teacher, but even this would be below her station. She might write or paint.
How about, instead, you say that Ryan was carrying out an inspection on the factory, which would give him a reason to go there and risk getting his finely tailored suit dirty. Some kind of crisis prompts Lucy to go looking for him at the factory. (The foreman would tell her, "This is no place for a lady," but because she's so modern and undemure, she could talk her way in.) Then the accident happens while she's there. This sits better with me.
(09-04-2014, 10:35 AM)The chaser Wrote: it's up to Mark (or any name)
About names. I like the names of characters to have some meaning behind them. Mark is biblical; St Mark was an evangelist and one of Jesus' disciples. Whether you're religious or not (I'm not) it's still a nice touch because it implies that he's a "good" man who wants to put things right. Ryan is an Irish name, I'm not sure a Victorian Englishman would be called Ryan, but maybe he would. Anyway, respectable gentleman in this era are likely to be known by their surname, so maybe decide what those would be. Maybe Ryan could be his surname.
Last time I read this, wasn't Mark a bartender or did I imagine it? Did you change that? If so, good. I like the idea of the pious policeman better. Kind of like The Wicker Man. (Besides, I was going to point out that "bartender" is a very American word. It would be better to say "barman", "barkeeper" or even "ostler".)
Once you get underground, now you can abandon the realism and get into the steampunk vibe. If you maintain realism outside of the underground city, then it will help to create a nice contrast. There would also be a sense that this virtuous man is descending into hell to treat with the devil.
(09-04-2014, 10:35 AM)The chaser Wrote: the environment wouldn't be a cave or anything like that, it would be a TRUE city underground.
This is great in writing, but a city sounds very ambitious in terms of mapping.
I like the Bioshock influence, but I would try to steer away from Big Daddies or it will be too much.
(09-04-2014, 10:35 AM)The chaser Wrote: Ryan, in his spike of madness, has decided to destroy the world of the machines
...
All the city style would be steampunkish, kind of a giant factory
Why? What is his motivation for destroying the world of the machines? Does he blame the machines for killing Lucy? If so, why has he entrenched himself in an underground world of technology? His enemy needs to be more opposed to him.
Perhaps he should have something else to hate and fear. Why not religion, and then Mark, the good Christian policeman, could represent his antithesis. Perhaps Lucy was very devout and it was a religious matter that lead her enter the factory and die. (Like, I dunno, maybe Ryan was inspecting the factory on a Sunday and she went to fetch him to church.)
Good word. Use it, a lot. Not only does the occident embody what Ryan hates, it also sounds like "accident" and symbolises the connection in his mind.
(09-04-2014, 10:35 AM)The chaser Wrote: Once you find, Ryan, you should be able to:
-Agree with his plan and leave, and say you haven't found him
-Disagree with him and destroy the city (there's a way it can be done)
-Try to convince him that his plan is madness
If Ryan, his mind twisted, wants to use his technology and science to destroy the fuzzy-thinkers and believers, which Mark is one of, then this gives you the chance to make this dilema more meaningful. It becomes a question of faith for Mark. Does he try to convince Ryan to see the light and be a good person? Does he destroy the city and kill the innocents? Or does he walk on by like a bad Samaritan?
Things I like:
The setting (environment) is nice. It's always good to have a self-contained world in a game story.
The mind controlled enemies are a good idea because it creates a moral dilema over killing them and you could try to always offer a way to avoid killing them. Maybe they could originally have been the factory workers.
As well as Bioshock, it also reminds me of Myst, at least the lore and backstory, particularly the Myst novels, which also involve an underground city with advanced technology.
I like the choice you give at the end, and I think you should make more of it, offering moral dilemas throughout the story.
It's honestly good overall - I've picked holes in it because I like it. It's what I do. If it wasn't good, I wouldn't have replied.
I'll have in consideration what you have said. Gotta say I haven't refined the details, but you've put things way easier.
You've given me an idea. How about
Spoiler below!
Lucy was a devout christian and had an accident. Then, Ryan would be angry against the god that Lucy prayed to, causing him a desire to destroy the world that god would have created. Maybe Lucy was an usual worker and Ryan didn't even have a wife, maybe they were lovers.
I picked Ryan because it's the name of the "villain" in Bioshock. Sort of a reference, and I just like that name, totally changeable though.
I forgot to mention one VERY IMPORTANT thing:
Spoiler below!
Ryan creates a serum that makes people eternal but not immortal: as long as the person eats, drinks, and sleeps, just as usual, and as long as they have a daily ration of that serum, they will live forever. However, you aren't immortal, if you fall through a cliff the serum wouldn't matter. That's what Ryan actually builds the city: He wants to create a new world and wants to live forever with Lucy, who, instead of being shred to pieces, she would have died because of a gas (I don't know, something that makes you stop breathing). Then, by making an artificial body for Lucy and the serum, he could live with her forever in HIS world.
Also I forgot to mention that the people in the city are orphans, beggars, and all sort of people who got abandoned, and that searched a new place to rest.
Thank you for your awesome review, Behemoth. I'll definitely have those details in mind. +1
Hey, I'm interested to see how this turns out, though I have no skills in making maps or anything myself. If you need any voice acting done, I would love to try out for a role, and I know other voice actors as well (some of whom are much better than I am), so we would love to help in that way if you need.
I love this conept ! The model is awesome, I'd really like to see this mod happen.
PS. Also, it reminds me of one of my favourite books, "Tunnels". Underground-people themed, too.
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