Bit of Advice Seeking

[Kreekakon]

Well, here I am looking for a bit of advice on a bit of what I see as a pretty messed-up mindset I am in right now. Tried to think of a more fitting thread title, but couldn't come up with anything so that's pretty much all I had.

So here we go:

For those of you who don't know from my first year of University I was part of a community service club that focuses on hosting weekend, and summer/winter camps for children, and I just got back from the latest one, which was a winter camp lasting 8 days long, and the last one I will ever go to (The winter camp of each member's senior year is the last one they are allowed to join).

And this latest camp is where my current state of anxiety is coming from. Before I go on further, in a nutshell it's made me feel worthless, and distant.

Also, throwing this out there before the long text wall begins...I have a mild case of Asperger's Syndrome, and it may have a bit to do with what I'm feeling right now. Just something to keep in mind.

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Elaborating on the roots of this feeling can be a bit confusing so I'll try to start from the beginning by how I handled my club life from my very first year up to this last fourth year. In our camps we have an array of different administrative jobs (Camp leader, activity manager, equipment, finances, etc), activity designers (People who actually create, and host the activity they are assigned to), and activity QAs (More senior club members how watch activities, and shape them up to standard). All these jobs are assigned to different people each time, and it's often very random what you get depending on the decision of camp leader.

Up to this point my main strength lay in the actual activities, and patching them up to standard. I was never much of an administrative person, and plus I hadn't gone to at least half of the camps we've had so that's made my knowledge in that field significantly worse than my peers, and even my minors in some cases.

With that being said through three years of camp going I was able to feel extremely satisfied by playing on my strengths, and making the activities I received the best I could. It made me very happy doing that I could.

On this newest winter camp however, where all senior fourth year club members played the roles of the "adviser group", is where my problem arose.

The adviser group does not have to host any activities (We were still QAs for some of them though), and their main job is assist the administrative people of the camp to do their jobs the best they can by giving advice (You are not forced to, but it is often expect of us). However like I said before my knowledge on that is completely almost nothing, so I was nearly always unable to give advice of any kind. Plus without activities, I couldn't play off of my strengths.

From observation, many of my minors I feel were better at this than even I was.

There were 7 seniors, myself included, who came to this camp. Four of them were gods among men (All four were girls actually) who went to every camp, and knew almost everything there was to know. The other two were like me lacking in camp experience, but that is where another problem comes to light.

With my asperger, I have quite a bit of a problem having fun with my fellow club members. While in the past this was a problem as well I was able to shake it off by performing my duties well, and seeing through a camp together with my friends.

I used to be a weirdo who did their job well, and now I just feel like a plain weirdo.

In this time however where I was pretty much unable to do jack anything+not even be able to be there for fun's sake, I didn't really know what the heck I was doing at all. At least the other two seniors were fairly fun people who while not being able to help, were able to still bring cheers to everyone.

So while in these eight days I was able to perform my activity QA duties fairly well, I was unable to fulfill the senior's main duty of helping a camp's administrative side run smoothly.

It also saddens me that this is my last camp, and it feels to have ended on such a note. Also worrying is that in past camps I feel to have done a fairly good job, and may have damaged my image with this last time of not being able to help as much (This could just be me being paranoid though)

So to summarize what my problem is in a few words: I used to do fine at my camps by playing off my strengths. My responsibilities at this latest, and last camp were things I was not good at doing at all, and I feel extremely worthless right now, and that my image as a senior has been damaged. This is further amplified that I was unable to at least have fun.

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This last thing I feel is an important thing to note though: I talked to one of my fellow seniors about this worry of mine during the camp about how I felt they were so amazing, and I couldn't live up to them. She told me not to worry about it, and that I had my own strengths (I was an extremely strict activity QA), and that it was normal that I had so little knowledge since I hadn't gone to as much camps as they had. It made me feel better, but not by much mostly since I couldn't use these strengths I had at this camp.

So that's pretty much everything I have to say on the matter. I mainly posted this thread here hoping to ask everyone here on what I should do with this mindset of mine. If anyone needs anymore information feel free to ask, and I will provide it!

[GrAVit]

I think that fellow senior of yours was right. You shouldn't dwell on it, everyone has "strengths" and "weaknesses" and you can't expect everyone to be good at the same thing, no matter what that thing is. Really, I don't think your image has been damaged. Feelings like this usually just come and go. Sometimes it's just hard to have fun, it really depends a lot on the person's mood. I don't have much experience on camps or any responsibilities associated with them, and I'm not an expert in psychology, but this is how I see it.

[VaeVictis]

How often had you performed the duties you were assigned to at the last camp? I mean, when I get new responsibilities at my job, I get nervous and goof up, but that's part of the learning process (and of course you're more inwardly focused when you're nervous, so fun takes a backseat). There's no reason to feel bad; I'm pretty sure everyone has been in a similar spot at some point or another.
What's more is that you acknowledge your strengths and you know your weaknesses. So from there, you can try to strengthen your weak points, or you can play up your strengths.
Don't apologize, don't hold your head down, and keep being you.

Also: Welcome to the weirdo club! We meet Thursdays at 6:00pm.

[Kreekakon]

What's more is that you acknowledge your strengths and you know your weaknesses. So from there, you can try to strengthen your weak points, or you can play up your strengths.
Don't apologize, don't hold your head down, and keep being you.

True, true! This is what I hope for everytime at every camp I go to!

Unfortunately there are two problems:

1. My "responsibilities" (Not exactly though, more like helping out with administration where possible) in this last camp were almost completely comprised of my weaknesses. I couldn't help as much as I liked, if at all.

2. This is the last camp I can go to in our club, since we are about to graduate. I do not have another chance to show everyone what great things I can do, and am left with the bitter taste that everyone's memory of my last camp is me not doing what I am best at.

[eliasfrost]

First off: You're way to hard on yourself, of course it's hard to do stuff you haven't done before, even more so when it is expected from you, and the very fact that your fellow senior told you that you don't need to worry is enough.

It's like you're a drummer and all of a sudden you're on stage, playing the electric. There's no reason to get upset, because you didn't do anything wrong. I hear this kind of stuff a fair amount from my brother, as if it's expected that he is supposed to know everything about the job or assignment the first time he do it, things doesn't work that way. They simply don't, that goes for everyone.

Unless someone explicitly told you that you did a bad job, then you probably have nothing to worry about. Everyone do things differently and are good at different things. I'm really bad at paper work because I can't keep things together and organized and I know that, but I'm really confident in doing physical labour or creative arts. Don't be so hard on yourself, embrace your weaknesses, don't despise them.

And lastly, how old are you? And are you professionally diagnosed or self-diagnosed?

[VaeVictis]

What's more is that you acknowledge your strengths and you know your weaknesses. So from there, you can try to strengthen your weak points, or you can play up your strengths.
Don't apologize, don't hold your head down, and keep being you.

True, true! This is what I hope for everytime at every camp I go to!

Unfortunately there are two problems:

1. My "responsibilities" (Not exactly though, more like helping out with administration where possible) in this last camp were almost completely comprised of my weaknesses. I couldn't help as much as I liked, if at all.

2. This is the last camp I can go to in our club, since we are about to graduate. I do not have another chance to show everyone what great things I can do, and am left with the bitter taste that everyone's memory of my last camp is me not doing what I am best at.

Would their opinion of you affect your future career or anything else?

[Kreekakon]

And lastly, how old are you? And are you professionally diagnosed or self-diagnosed?

I was professionally diagnosed for Aspegers in my childhood, and had a license for it for a very long time. It was revoked a few years ago, because it had become so mild a case that I didn't seem to qualify anymore.

Would their opinion of you affect your future career or anything else?

No it wouldn't.

Take this below statement with a grain of salt, since it's mostly me rambling (Which even seems a bit silly when I read it myself):

Although another main reason that is irking me is that I can't help, but feel that my "legacy" would've been better off if I hadn't joined this particular camp so that everyone's memory of me would be better. If I hadn't joined everyone's memory of me would've been a person who did their basic job well, and now it might be the "senior who wasn't enough of a senior". It would definitely make things the smallest bit awkward if I ever visited them on their future camps.

Yes, I know that the above sounds ridiculous, and even I think it seems a bit so. I'm just putting it out there that it is what is running through my head right now.

[Alex Ros]

When I was nearly 15 years younger I thought I'd be a nice one movies director. I have graduated at University of Cinematography in Moscow until I got my directors diploma. And slowly began to work in film industry, rising from the coffee peddler to... to my goal to become a director. But along the way I realized that how I imagined myself is not what I am in fact. I realized that I am not a director at all. It wasn't a momentary discovery. It was a slow falling to nowhere. I'd say it was the most depressive day... month... year in whole life. What the fuck? I do not care who am I in fact! I just really want to become a director some day!!! But I had to realize that I had my "strengths" and "weaknesses". I just had to overstep my own wishes and look objectively at the list of my real talents. And I realized I am fine at writing and editing, no less, but also no more. It was painful I'd confess. Real painful.

Years passed and I can say I am a happy person. I am a copyrighter and scriptwriter at the viral advertising agency for nearly 5 years already. I am in a harmony with myself. Yes, there is subordination and have to listen to directors who work with me, quite a depressive situation as long as I am myself a graduated director. But no. I am fine absolutely. Along those 5 years I tried to "acknowledge my strengths and my weaknesses". Moreover I focused on overcoming my weaknesses. For example I am rather close and uncommunicative person and I am trying (even now, exactly right now while writing all this) to evolve myself. Just trying, there is no winning or loosing. So... So I really hope my own story would help you a bit to find your own way. If not, then I am sorry for time-wasting, sincerely.

[eliasfrost]

I was professionally diagnosed for Aspegers in my childhood, and had a license for it for a very long time. It was revoked a few years ago, because it had become so mild a case that I didn't seem to qualify anymore.

Sorry that I asked but I see it a lot nowadays that people (usually young people) seem to self-diagnose themselves without better knowing. I just wanted to be sure. Asp and ADHD are the most self-diagnosed (and wrongly diagnosed, even by professionals) syndroms today and it's somewhat worrying.

But like I said, the only advice that I can give you is to keep calm and don't worry too much about it. People do things differently and if you want to keep doing it then it's a matter of getting used to it and overcoming your weaknesses, or try to bypass them somehow. If it was recent, then give it a few days or weeks to let it settle and then think about what to do next.

[VaeVictis]

Would their opinion of you affect your future career or anything else?

No it wouldn't.

Take this below statement with a grain of salt, since it's mostly me rambling (Which even seems a bit silly when I read it myself):

Although another main reason that is irking me is that I can't help, but feel that my "legacy" would've been better off if I hadn't joined this particular camp so that everyone's memory of me would be better. If I hadn't joined everyone's memory of me would've been a person who did their basic job well, and now it might be the "senior who wasn't enough of a senior". It would definitely make things the smallest bit awkward if I ever visited them on their future camps.

Yes, I know that the above sounds ridiculous, and even I think it seems a bit so. I'm just putting it out there that it is what is running through my head right now.

'Don't worry' is the obvious bit of advice here, but there's a few practical steps you can take to help:
Write it down on a piece of paper, let it simmer for awhile, and come back to it after you clear your head. Take a step back and look at it rationally. In all reality, there's no reason for this to follow you. Even if you do visit campus, they're college students, I can almost guarantee they've forgotten about it already, even they even noticed in the first place.
Once you feel ready (there is no set timeline for readiness here), shred the piece of paper, take a deep breath, and resolve to let it go. For your one moment of weakness (which you are totally allowed to have), you have at least one strength.
Take care of yourself. Take a day or two and get yourself back together. Rest and remind yourself of your strengths and the possibilities open to you.

If nothing else, and you (for some silly reason) end up being confronted by someone about it, just be like: