Everlasting Epoch/Aikakausi Ikuinen

[Red]

Here's the very first and the latest project, I am currently working on, a novel.
It has taken lot of sweat and effort to get here so far, and I can say, even the first chapter is not still to my liking yet.

But I can post the current raw partly translated version of it.

The grammar check and proof reading is done by Romulator, so thanks to him once more.

Chapter One - Day Sanctified, Pages 1 - 2.

Spoiler below!

There's a loud explosion above, the sound echoes and rumbles the skies of Sedyn. Metal debris scatter all around the city of Humas, among them, a fine moulted pearl falls and hits the ground on level two of Northwest Humas. It bounces and rolls slowly to near street sewer.
A security camera has been installed in this same block. In the point of view, it displays July 17th 2062.
It just so happened to have recorded what has occurred; the end of this epoch.
Even though everything seems like a mystery, there is a long explanation for all of this.
In order to understand the current situation, we must go back to May 8th 2056. On that day, this same camera recorded another remarkable moment; A person who entered an apartment but didn't leave it alive...

A brown haired woman sits in the armchair with a teal colored bathrobe on.
Just a moment ago she had returned from work and she is exhausted.
The night is dark but quiet and calm, perfect for relaxing and letting out the day's rush.
While slurping her wine, she begins to feel a pressure in the right side of her chest.
She's completely unaware of what is about to happen.
Moments later, the pain escalates and rises unbearably. Moaning in agony, her body is forced forward uncontrollably.
The feeling is so intense that she cannot stand up. What feels like paralysis in her feet binds her to the chair.
A heart attack rarely strikes her age group, this victim is not as lucky as most.
There's no help nearby; she lives alone and her neighbour cannot hear a thing from the soundproofed apartment. The only possible support available is the phone, but unfortunately it is unreachable by hand.
Finally the woman realises, it is hopeless. Giving up the battle, she collapses to the floor - the jolt shakes the half-full wine glass from the chair handle to the carpet, breaking it into small shards. The woman lies on the floor, taking in her last breaths until her vision goes out and the everlasting peace invades the mind.
This is a good example of how death chooses his client randomly and takes her away mercilessly. Looks like this shipping clerk never ships anymore.

After about 10 minutes, the phone rings...

The wooden gate opens in front of me, the bright light pushing through the enlarging gap between them. It is blinding me somewhat.
I can hear the organ starting to play the familiar, yet ominous song as we enter the hall.
There's a girl, she has a veil on her face, so i can't identify the person underneath it. She gently takes my right hand.
We are surrounded by a horde of faces, however I am also unable to recognise any of them. They're complete strangers to me. Their eyes gaze towards us as we march towards the shrine.

The moment resembles weddings, so this is a dream, again. This ceremony would never occur to me in reality - nor do I want to bewed.
Speaking of which, where did my normal nightmares go? I am starting to miss them, or does it mean I should not be afraid of those kinds of things anymore?
Why do weddings trespass to my dreams nowadays?

I arrive to the wedding shrine. The pastor begins by preaching his sermon and I answer positively to his questions. I am uncertain now, it seems to be too real, perhaps now is the time?
I lift the white thick veil, and mixed emotions of surprise and disappointment attack from below. The woman's beauty is reflected in her facial structure, however her features are more masculine than natural. It suddenly hits me - I am not marrying a woman, but a man...

"Jone, what the hell? What are you doing here?" I asked.
"What do people usually do in others dreams?" Jone replied.
"Make them even worse?"
"I don't know, but you're the one who is fantasising about me, you sure have the twisted mind."

At that same moment, a distant noise which I recognise to be Japanese language, gets closer by running speed.

The world around me becomes black at that very instant and I return to cold reality.
The same commotion noises echo from the outside.
After hearing it long enough, I conclude that the person is possibly Daichi, he has something to tell me.

The morning is still young, the digits of the clock show 6:38 am.
Aeris Teris peeks low over the horizon, it colors the clouds reddish cotton pap and illuminates my bathroom shimmering yellow.
If this happened on Earth, it could be frankly said that the Sun is drunk.
Aeris is not the most orginal sun I remember, it might actually be prettier. It is kind of weird at the same time, not only because it's strangely pinkish, but that it has an another star orbiting it.
It's called Daris, which again, shimmers tealish.

When both of them line up with Sedyn, my home planet, everything goes insane.
The color world outside turns far too saturated and the temperature increases by an average of ten degrees.
Despite this event only occurring once every five years, these conditions are almost unbearable.

I lay, for my joy, in a bath filled with emptied alcohol bottles.
This is not my first surprise though in this painful morning. Rubbing my hangover exhausted eyelids and struggling to my feet from the bath, I notice my lack of clothing, with all but an embarrassing pink skirt covering my body.
"Oh, bloody hell." I curse out loud to myself. If there was a party last night, I cannot recall it. The standards of my bathroom tell me that it was certainly the event. I cannot remember anything about it, and my head aches more vigorously when i try to process it. Regardless, I know I have been drinking, possibly an awful lot.
I guess I should be thankful nobody is here to laugh at my embarrassment and attire.
That could only make my morning better than what it already is.
I need some coffee to drink away my tired thoughts and headache. Sleepiness is an illusion created by lack of caffeine, that's how I put it.

The window in the living room tingles. Daichi seems to have given up his screaming and continues his protest by tossing snowballs.
Undressing myself out of this ridiculous skirt, I run towards the living room, naked.
Suddenly, a large snowball breaks the window and the shards of glass scatter all around the room, something I feared. It doesn't stop there, the snowball impacts the middle of my forehead. The sudden shock of the icy water chills my body.
This time around I handle the situation well, keeping my anger in my throat. I rush to the now almost completely broken window sneaking my head through, keeping sharp eye contact down to the rotten guilty person.
"Nice, I was too lazy to open it anyway, thank you so much for this." I shout in greeting.
Daichi attempts to play innocent, with his lame expressions, trying to change the topic to something else.

"Did you read, did you hear, did you see the news? Do you have any idea in the world about what is currently going on in city of Humas?"
"No I don't, I happened to be in the bath."
"How long have you-, well whatever, all public traffic is in strike, so I need a ride."
"Bah! Why you didn't go with Hitomi?", I refer to Hitomi's ride as a taxi.
"She just happens to be at the school already, and the PRA assured she wasn't lying."

PRA, Personal Radar Application, is software in phones which detect the requested person's location from the mapped Humas, and shows it by coordinates.

To that Daichi adds:
" I beg you, please, just this once, guess how much I will miss if I am not there?"
"..."
I rub my unshaved beard, contemplating various ideas but I come to a fair conclusion:
"Well, all right, just this once. I need some coffee, so I'll drop you off somewhere close to the academy, but also nearby a cafe for myself. Remember too that you owe me a window or your life, you understand?"
"I try to avoid my death, the cooperation with my brain synapses and cells never fails to remember."
"Is there any more complicated way to say that?"
Daichi avoids the question and bows thankfully, like a model Japanese citizen.

To temporarily fix the damages Daichi had made, I tape a tight bunch of newspapers to the broken window, so the ruthless cold weather outside won't enter my apartment.
It wouldn't do good with modest warming either.

I begin to prepare for my leaving; I comb my messy, non-erected tomahawk to right side of my head, cover my eyes with some stylish holopivot sunglasses and put on my everyday attire - a long cafe-yellow coat which reaches over the knees, a red tie and dark leather boots.

I hope the door got locked properly, I slammed it drunkheaded so hard that it could be opened just by pulling it hard enough.

The escalator at the lobby of the hostel takes me to the lower level where I see Daichi, shaking nervously.
I dig into the insides of my pockets as he interrupts me.

" - Let that smoking later, we have a rush!", He predicted what I was intending to do.
" - These seem like they're running out anyways." I answered, there was only one cigarette remaining. I save it for the time being; I'll have it when I crave it uncontrollably.

It had snowed last night. The snow reaches up to my ankles as I step outside, and the temperature had sunk fairly below the zero.
Wondering that, the winter has been extraordinary long, usually at this time of the year, it should be at least above the zero celsius. Now it is has been below for months.
The meteorologists think it's being caused by turning off the Tenark stream in the south.
I find it doubtful, it almost feels as if someone is intentionally trying to freeze us to death.

At the parking lot, I unlock the doors of my car by pressing the button.
"How did that strike go? These days shouldn't interfere with the drivers?"
"Yesterday, something weird happened. Most of the cargo vehicles were attacked for unknown reasons by persons around the country. The entirety of the public traffic suffered greatly.

"No taxis, it seems."
"They're too expensive - and I, of course I don't have enough money."
"Figured so... Okay, let's stop talking fiddlesticks and get going."

Starting the vehicle, I take the controls and reverse from the parking lot, avoiding three cars jammed into the already packed area and turn towards the exit gate.
From there, I turn right.

Nowadays, the cars are a little different compared to previous ones we had:
The wheels have been replaced by turbines which helps navigate the vehicle to move up, down, left and right.
Under the coachwork is a gravity balancer which allows the car to float above the ground. Yes, the fictitious desire for the future is finally here.
Today's roads are not the way to go, rather the air, using guided driveways scattered on many layers in the city. The building foundation limited the amount to three, but there will be more, when it gets even more crowded.

[Froge]

I will critique from the viewpoint of a first time reader, ignoring grammar mistakes.

Aikakausi Ikuinen

Wait, what does that mean? It doesn't really sound Japanese, given that "si" is not a syllable ("shi" is).

There's a loud explosion above, the sound echoes and rumbles the skies of Sedyn. Metal debris scatter all around the city of Humas, among them, a fine moulted pearl falls and hits the ground on level two of Northwest Humas. It bounces and rolls slowly to near street sewer.

Quite an explosive beginning. Sedyn, huh? Wait, Humas, too? Two unknown locations introduced right in the first paragraph? I don't know. Sounds a bit like unsubtle foreshadowing of important settings in the story.

A security camera has been installed in this same block. In the point of view, it displays July 17th 2062.

Futuristic, huh. With those city names, I can guess that this story will either be dystopia or utopia.

It just so happened to have recorded what has occurred; the end of this epoch.
Even though everything seems like a mystery, there is a long explanation for all of this.
In order to understand the current situation, we must go back to May 8th 2056. On that day, this same camera recorded another remarkable moment; A person who entered an apartment but didn't leave it alive...

In media res. Interesting enough.

A brown haired woman sits in the armchair with a teal colored bathrobe on.

Weird description. Is the teal important?

Just a moment ago she had returned from work and she is exhausted.
The night is dark but quiet and calm, perfect for relaxing and letting out the day's rush.
While slurping her wine, she begins to feel a pressure in the right side of her chest.
She's completely unaware of what is about to happen.
Moments later, the pain escalates and rises unbearably. Moaning in agony, her body is forced forward uncontrollably.
The feeling is so intense that she cannot stand up. What feels like paralysis in her feet binds her to the chair.
A heart attack rarely strikes her age group, this victim is not as lucky as most.
There's no help nearby; she lives alone and her neighbour cannot hear a thing from the soundproofed apartment. The only possible support available is the phone, but unfortunately it is unreachable by hand.

That was sudden. A bit too sudden, in my opinion. Never even got to know her well. Also getting a real No. 6 vibe here. Was that an inspiration?

Finally the woman realises, it is hopeless. Giving up the battle, she collapses to the floor - the jolt shakes the half-full wine glass from the chair handle to the carpet, breaking it into small shards. The woman lies on the floor, taking in her last breaths until her vision goes out and the everlasting peace invades the mind.

Now that's an odd way to put it. She might have realized that it's hopeless, but why does that mean she dies peacefully? I'd think most people would struggle to their very last breath.

Also, to have "peace" invade the mind just sounds like a bad juxtaposition.

This is a good example of how death chooses his client randomly and takes her away mercilessly. Looks like this shipping clerk never ships anymore.

Oh, so we aren't supposed to care about her at all. Probably not an important character in any way.

After about 10 minutes, the phone rings...

The wooden gate opens in front of me, the bright light pushing through the enlarging gap between them. It is blinding me somewhat.
I can hear the organ starting to play the familiar, yet ominous song as we enter the hall.
There's a girl, she has a veil on her face, so i can't identify the person underneath it. She gently takes my right hand.
We are surrounded by a horde of faces, however I am also unable to recognise any of them. They're complete strangers to me. Their eyes gaze towards us as we march towards the shrine.

Wait, it's first person perspective suddenly? Really awful transitioning here. Can I know who's me?

The moment resembles weddings, so this is a dream, again. This ceremony would never occur to me in reality - nor do I want to bewed.
Speaking of which, where did my normal nightmares go? I am starting to miss them, or does it mean I should not be afraid of those kinds of things anymore?
Why do weddings trespass to my dreams nowadays?

Huh. An existentialist-minded protagonist, I see. $10 bet that s / he's is haunted by dreams from the past.

I arrive to the wedding shrine. The pastor begins by preaching his sermon and I answer positively to his questions. I am uncertain now, it seems to be too real, perhaps now is the time?
I lift the white thick veil, and mixed emotions of surprise and disappointment attack from below. The woman's beauty is reflected in her facial structure, however her features are more masculine than natural. It suddenly hits me - I am not marrying a woman, but a man...

I lol'ed. That's random, but awesome. Wouldn't work for anyone else but me, though.

"Jone, what the hell? What are you doing here?" I asked.
"What do people usually do in others dreams?" Jone replied.
"Make them even worse?"
"I don't know, but you're the one who is fantasising about me, you sure have the twisted mind."

Not sure what to think of this. The dialogue is okay, just seems to have popped up a bit suddenly.

At that same moment, a distant noise which I recognise to be Japanese language, gets closer by running speed.

Terrible metaphor. "Running" speed isn't descriptive at all, since some people might be slow runners while others are much faster.

The world around me becomes black at that very instant and I return to cold reality.
The same commotion noises echo from the outside.
After hearing it long enough, I conclude that the person is possibly Daichi, he has something to tell me.

The morning is still young, the digits of the clock show 6:38 am.
Aeris Teris peeks low over the horizon, it colors the clouds reddish cotton pap and illuminates my bathroom shimmering yellow.
If this happened on Earth, it could be frankly said that the Sun is drunk.
Aeris is not the most orginal sun I remember, it might actually be prettier. It is kind of weird at the same time, not only because it's strangely pinkish, but that it has an another star orbiting it.
It's called Daris, which again, shimmers tealish.

Wow, lots of new names. Interesting description of the sun. So we're definitely in a fantasy or science fiction setting. But...any reason why there's some emphasis on Japanese names, like the Daichi guy? Is this an anime novel?

When both of them line up with Sedyn, my home planet, everything goes insane.
The color world outside turns far too saturated and the temperature increases by an average of ten degrees.
Despite this event only occurring once every five years, these conditions are almost unbearable.

Nice revelation of where Sedyn is. I like the description of the alignments effects on the planet, too.

I lay, for my joy, in a bath filled with emptied alcohol bottles.
This is not my first surprise though in this painful morning. Rubbing my hangover exhausted eyelids and struggling to my feet from the bath, I notice my lack of clothing, with all but an embarrassing pink skirt covering my body.
"Oh, bloody hell." I curse out loud to myself. If there was a party last night, I cannot recall it. The standards of my bathroom tell me that it was certainly the event. I cannot remember anything about it, and my head aches more vigorously when i try to process it. Regardless, I know I have been drinking, possibly an awful lot.
I guess I should be thankful nobody is here to laugh at my embarrassment and attire.
That could only make my morning better than what it already is.
I need some coffee to drink away my tired thoughts and headache. Sleepiness is an illusion created by lack of caffeine, that's how I put it.

Real big anime vibe here.

The window in the living room tingles. Daichi seems to have given up his screaming and continues his protest by tossing snowballs.
Undressing myself out of this ridiculous skirt, I run towards the living room, naked.

Why? No one would do that. Seriously.

Suddenly, a large snowball breaks the window and the shards of glass scatter all around the room, something I feared. It doesn't stop there, the snowball impacts the middle of my forehead. The sudden shock of the icy water chills my body.
This time around I handle the situation well, keeping my anger in my throat. I rush to the now almost completely broken window sneaking my head through, keeping sharp eye contact down to the rotten guilty person.
"Nice, I was too lazy to open it anyway, thank you so much for this." I shout in greeting.
Daichi attempts to play innocent, with his lame expressions, trying to change the topic to something else.

What? The protagonist is perfectly fine still being naked even after being hit by snow?

"Did you read, did you hear, did you see the news? Do you have any idea in the world about what is currently going on in city of Humas?"
"No I don't, I happened to be in the bath."
"How long have you-, well whatever, all public traffic is in strike, so I need a ride."
"Bah! Why you didn't go with Hitomi?", I refer to Hitomi's ride as a taxi.
"She just happens to be at the school already, and the PRA assured she wasn't lying."

MORE JAPANESE NAMES. Can we get a cultural reference here? Like is this planet colonized by the Japanese?

PRA, Personal Radar Application, is software in phones which detect the requested person's location from the mapped Humas, and shows it by coordinates.

NO 6 NO 6 NO 6 NO 6 NO 6 NO 6

To that Daichi adds:
" I beg you, please, just this once, guess how much I will miss if I am not there?"
"..."

I don't understand that sentence at all.

I rub my unshaved beard

Oh, male protagonist. Finally some indication.

contemplating various ideas but I come to a fair conclusion:
"Well, all right, just this once. I need some coffee, so I'll drop you off somewhere close to the academy, but also nearby a cafe for myself. Remember too that you owe me a window or your life, you understand?"
"I try to avoid my death, the cooperation with my brain synapses and cells never fails to remember."
"Is there any more complicated way to say that?"
Daichi avoids the question and bows thankfully, like a model Japanese citizen.

NO 6 AGAIN WITH THE BRAIN CELLS

Okay, so we have confirmation that these guys are Japanese. Any reason why?

To temporarily fix the damages Daichi had made, I tape a tight bunch of newspapers to the broken window, so the ruthless cold weather outside won't enter my apartment.
It wouldn't do good with modest warming either.

I begin to prepare for my leaving; I comb my messy, non-erected tomahawk to right side of my head, cover my eyes with some stylish holopivot sunglasses and put on my everyday attire - a long cafe-yellow coat which reaches over the knees, a red tie and dark leather boots.

Isn't tomhawk...an axe? Do you mean mohawk? And what's holopivot?

I hope the door got locked properly, I slammed it drunkheaded so hard that it could be opened just by pulling it hard enough.

The escalator at the lobby of the hostel takes me to the lower level where I see Daichi, shaking nervously.
I dig into the insides of my pockets as he interrupts me.

" - Let that smoking later, we have a rush!", He predicted what I was intending to do.
" - These seem like they're running out anyways." I answered, there was only one cigarette remaining. I save it for the time being; I'll have it when I crave it uncontrollably.

It had snowed last night. The snow reaches up to my ankles as I step outside, and the temperature had sunk fairly below the zero.
Wondering that, the winter has been extraordinary long, usually at this time of the year, it should be at least above the zero celsius. Now it is has been below for months.
The meteorologists think it's being caused by turning off the Tenark stream in the south.
I find it doubtful, it almost feels as if someone is intentionally trying to freeze us to death.

You should really state these unfamiliar names and locations a bit less. Reminds me of Final Fantasy 13's failure: they throw a lot of names at you like "Fal'cie" "L'cie" "The Sanctum" "Pulse" and no one knows what they are.

At the parking lot, I unlock the doors of my car by pressing the button.
"How did that strike go? These days shouldn't interfere with the drivers?"
"Yesterday, something weird happened. Most of the cargo vehicles were attacked for unknown reasons by persons around the country. The entirety of the public traffic suffered greatly.

"No taxis, it seems."
"They're too expensive - and I, of course I don't have enough money."
"Figured so... Okay, let's stop talking fiddlesticks and get going."

Starting the vehicle, I take the controls and reverse from the parking lot, avoiding three cars jammed into the already packed area and turn towards the exit gate.
From there, I turn right.

Nowadays, the cars are a little different compared to previous ones we had:
The wheels have been replaced by turbines which helps navigate the vehicle to move up, down, left and right.
Under the coachwork is a gravity balancer which allows the car to float above the ground. Yes, the fictitious desire for the future is finally here.

That last sentence threw me off. I have no idea what you mean. Glad to know my prediction of futuristic settings was correct, though.

Today's roads are not the way to go, rather the air, using guided driveways scattered on many layers in the city. The building foundation limited the amount to three, but there will be more, when it gets even more crowded.

I have no idea what you just said.

CONCLUSION: Nice anime setting / characters / plot, with a No 6 vibe there. Need to fix descriptions. Introduce new names less. Story seems interesting, but it's extremely vague so far, with no connection yet between the beginning events and the protagonist. Good anime story, not a good novel.

[Red]

Aikakausi Ikuinen is not japanese.

Keep in mind this is a translation, so there is misleading things, and in addition to that the orginal non translated version is under a little fixing also. So it's no wonder.
You'll understand all the mystery when you read things further.

[Red]

I was little bored, so I tried to answer your questions:

Quite an explosive beginning. Sedyn, huh? Wait, Humas, too? Two unknown locations introduced right in the first paragraph? I don't know. Sounds a bit like unsubtle foreshadowing of important settings in the story.

Before I even begin, I should have posted a summary, telling about the universe but I did not, my mistake.

Weird description. Is the teal important?

No.

That was sudden. A bit too sudden, in my opinion. Never even got to know her well. Also getting a real No. 6 vibe here. Was that an inspiration?

No never seen No.6 to be honest, strange coincidence, is it revolved around mystery too?

Now that's an odd way to put it. She might have realized that it's hopeless, but why does that mean she dies peacefully? I'd think most people would struggle to their very last breath.

Partly lost in translation, and also you have a point also, fixed it.

Also, to have "peace" invade the mind just sounds like a bad juxtaposition.

It does make sense, not in english though, maybe too raw tranlation there.

Oh, so we aren't supposed to care about her at all. Probably not an important character in any way.

This thing will be left wait for here a while, there's a purpose for it, don't worry,
it will be tied later.

Wait, it's first person perspective suddenly? Really awful transitioning here. Can I know who's me?

You would know if the describtion was posted here.

Not sure what to think of this. The dialogue is okay, just seems to have popped up a bit suddenly.

When you see a familiar person, in a random place would you not talk?
And also, the dialogue is lost in translation.

Terrible metaphor. "Running" speed isn't descriptive at all, since some people might be slow runners while others are much faster.

Here you're right, I had hard time choosing the best option for this, I'll change it.

Wow, lots of new names. Interesting description of the sun. So we're definitely in a fantasy or science fiction setting. But...any reason why there's some emphasis on Japanese names, like the Daichi guy? Is this an anime novel?

Do not mix anime and novel together, there is no such thing as "anime novel"
anime means animation period.

And does it mean, if there's some japanese people, it must be an anime?
What else anime related have you noticed than names?

Why? No one would do that. Seriously.[/qoute]

You don't know what kind of guy the protagonist is yet, everyone is different, some people are crazy and some less crazy, don't expect the protagonist to be the sanest one. There's some past for what he is.

[quote]What? The protagonist is perfectly fine still being naked even after being hit by snow?

Again, the main character is not your ordinary guy.

MORE JAPANESE NAMES. Can we get a cultural reference here? Like is this planet colonized by the Japanese?

Part of the city that is invaded by japanese people.

I don't understand that sentence at all.

He begs to get to protagonists ride to school, if he's not there,
he'll miss much.

NO 6 AGAIN WITH THE BRAIN CELLS

Okay, so we have confirmation that these guys are Japanese. Any reason why?

Brain cells does not have anything to do with the rest of the story.
It was just something "wise" Daichi threw.

And nope, protagonist is not japanese, nor is Jone, Jone is not japanese name anyways.
There's lot of different nationalities in this town, these first just happen to occur
in japan invaded area.

Isn't tomhawk...an axe? Do you mean mohawk? And what's holopivot?

Lol, big mistake there, orginal says mohawk, but it got lost in translation and turned to tomhawk.
Holopivot sunglasses, will be explained later in the story.

I'll update other mistranslated sentences to better ones, when I have time for it.

EDIT: Not taking this as bad, critism is welcome, and it helps me to find the flaws I haven't noticed.

I am NOT perfect at writing, far from it, I am sitll a newbie and still under some heavy learning.
I am even worse translator, so there's that.