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Spoiler Need a title for my story pls?
Radical Batz Offline
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#1
Need a title for my story pls?

I am goign to write a horror story and after I finished that, I am going to convert it into a cs!

But the title of this story is going to be the title of the cs too and I can't think of one!

If you guys could help me and give me creative ttiles for it thent hnx, here's the story!

"Hi my name is Jonathan, I am a farmer. I work hard veryday, feeding animals, and always doing chores.
One night I was sleeping in my comfy hay matress, I didn't have a bed like those riuch people but it's my home.
I was snoring as loud as one of those sheeps I have in the barn, but luckily they are quiet today. Probably I fed them the right time.
All I heard is those pesky crickets outside of my window, but other than that it was too silent.
Until i heard a strange racket down in the barn, it sounded like footsteps, very big footsteps. "What was that, Did that come from my barn? I better check" I told to myself while I woke up from bed. One thing I forgot to tell you, I was sleeping in my attic, and the roof is so low that I can barely stand up that my head would hit the ceiling.
My grand grand father built this attic when he was in his 60's.
I went down the trapdoor and held the lid of the trapdoor while I was holding on to my ladder to go down. I jumped down and closed the trapdoor behind me.
I went down the creaky wooden stairs into my cabin, got my matches just in case it was too dark in the barn, grabbed my Sweater and went out the back door.

It was so cold outside that I can barely feel my fingers! I walked through the farm, I looked through the windy breeze which felt like it was pushing me back, I almost sneezed. I ran to the barn and noticed that the barn door was slightly open.
I don't remember leaving it open, maybe it's just the wind that made it slightly open a bit.I walked in, it was pitch black, I tried to turn on my matchstick but none of them worked. Everytime I try to light one, it keeps going off because of the wind.
That's when I went back outside and immediately saw some kind of shooting star flying in the sky and saw it go into my cellar at high speed, and heard it crash like some kind of meteor.
"Shit, my cellar is destroyed, I need to check what that thing was"


I'm sorry but can't tell you any further in case of spoilers, but yeah.

Pls help me find out a title for this story/aka a cs and yeah, don't make it too cliche.

thnx

(This post was last modified: 08-23-2014, 12:37 PM by Radical Batz.)
08-23-2014, 12:36 PM
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Daemian Offline
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#2
RE: Need a title for my story pls?

"No title"

08-23-2014, 01:17 PM
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Radical Batz Offline
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#3
RE: Need a title for my story pls?

(08-23-2014, 01:17 PM)Amn Wrote: "No title"

wow thnx, best title 11/10 :p

08-23-2014, 01:19 PM
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PutraenusAlivius Offline
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#4
RE: Need a title for my story pls?

The Mysterious Noises at the Barn.

"Veni, vidi, vici."
"I came, I saw, I conquered."
08-23-2014, 01:41 PM
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Radical Batz Offline
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#5
RE: Need a title for my story pls?

(08-23-2014, 01:41 PM)First Captain Wrote: The Mysterious Noises at the Barn.

That's kinda cliche in my opinion :/

08-23-2014, 01:51 PM
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i3670 Offline
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#6
RE: Need a title for my story pls?

The Curious Incident of the Sheep in the Night-time

"What you think is irrelevant" - A character of our time

A Christmas Hunt
(This post was last modified: 08-23-2014, 01:58 PM by i3670.)
08-23-2014, 01:58 PM
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MrWhitticus Offline
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#7
RE: Need a title for my story pls?

Back at the Barnyard 2: The Reckoning

*Careless Whisper saxophone solo*
08-23-2014, 02:02 PM
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ThatCrazyShaman Offline
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#8
RE: Need a title for my story pls?

Hmmm...
The first thing that comes to mind is 'The Noise in the Night'. Sort of stupid sounding, though.

...The only people worthy of consideration are the unusual ones. Common folks are like the leaves of a tree, and live and die unnoticed. - L. Frank Baum
08-23-2014, 11:01 PM
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FlawlessHappiness Offline
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#9
RE: Need a title for my story pls?

Steps of midnight.


Please go through your grammar afterwards because I can spot different stuff that isn't correct ^_^

Trying is the first step to success.
(This post was last modified: 08-23-2014, 11:17 PM by FlawlessHappiness.)
08-23-2014, 11:16 PM
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Romulator Offline
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#10
RE: Need a title for my story pls?

Not a title, but here's a fix up of (most of) your errors, some spelling related, some punctual and some grammatical. I have tried to keep it in your style of text though.

Spoiler below!

"Hello, my name is Jonathan, I am a farmer. I work hard every day, feeding animals, and always doing chores.
One night I was sleeping in my comfortable hay mattress, I didn't have a bed like those rich people but that is my home.
I was snoring as loud as one of the sheep I have in the barn, but luckily they are quiet today. I probably fed them the right time.
All I heard is those pesky crickets outside of my window, but other than that it was silent.
Until I heard a strange racket down in the barn, it sounded like footsteps, very big footsteps. "What was that noise? I had better check the barn." I said to myself, awoken by the noise. One thing I forgot to tell you, I was sleeping in my attic, and the roof is so low that I can barely stand up that my head would hit the ceiling.
My great grandfather built this attic when he was in his 60's.
I went down the trapdoor and held the lid of the trapdoor while I was holding on to my ladder to go down. I opened the trapdoor, closing it behind me as I began to climb down from the attic.
I went down the creaky wooden stairs into my cabin, grabbed my sweater and some matches, in case it was dark in the barnyard.

It was so cold outside that I could barely feel my fingers! I walked through the farm; fighting the windy breeze which felt like it was pushing me back. I almost sneezed at the pressure. I ran to the barn and noticed that the door was slightly open.
I don't remember leaving it open, maybe it's just the wind that made it slightly open a bit.I walked in, it was pitch black, I tried to turn on my matchstick but none of them worked. Every time I had tried to light one, it kept going off because of the wind.
That's when I went back outside and immediately saw some kind of shooting star flying in the sky and saw it go into my cellar at high speed; hearing it crash like thunder.
"Shit, my cellar is destroyed, I need to check what that thing was"



A summary of your errors (basically, the more noticeable things I changed:

Spoiler below!

- Changed "Hi" to "Hello" and added a comma. It makes the character more approachable.
- Comfy may be a word, but is informal, and a bad one at that. Comfortable is more acceptable.
- There is no special word for sheep as a plural - it is just sheep. "A flock of sheep".
- "but other than that it was too silent." does not make sense. Removing "too" helps, or changing silent to quiet.
- I's were great till "Until i heard". Fixed.
- The opening dialogue could be simplified into two sentences.
- "One thing I forgot to tell you, I was sleeping in my attic, and the roof is so low that I can barely stand up that my head would hit the ceiling." What purpose does this sentence serve? I won't remove it, but if it is unimportant, I wouldn't have it. You could just say something like "I stood up, almost forgetting how low the roof was in the attic, nearly hitting my head in the process." You should also describe earlier that you're in the attic - the character does not "forget" they are in the attic. The reason why is because the character does not have someone specific to talk to. If they were talking to someone, perhaps it would be different, but not in this case.
- "My grand grand father". Should be "My great grandfather". Changed.
- "I went down the trapdoor and held the lid of the trapdoor while I was holding on to my ladder to go down." You shouldn't use the same word in one sentence, with exceptions to words such as the, it, is, etc. I changed it somewhat.
- Everytime is actually not a word. Every time is a word. Well, actually, two words.. Tongue
- "into my cellar". A cellar is underground. Would have had to be a REALLY strong object. If you mean something else, I would definitely do some more research. A greenhouse for example, would be above ground, but is just for vegetation growth.
- "hearing it crash like some kind of meteor." Use a more realistic sound example. Not everyone has heard a meteor crash, but everyone has heard something like thunder. Changed.
- It seems like English is not your main language. That's okay though. Every now and then, the tenses of your words change. The opening is in present tense, and the second paragraph is in past. It's not a big problem, but it does become a bit of a jumble.



One other problem, which is OKAY if English is not your forte, because it's not always easy coming up with sentences, is your excessive use of "I". "I did this." "I did that." "I had to stop." Overusing I is repetitive and unnecessary. We already know that you are doing these things. Try starting your sentences with an action or a description of the scenario.

Here's how I would write the last few bits, but don't feel discouraged. I have nearly 18 years of English under my belt. And yet I am still no good at this.

Spoiler below!

"I was pushing through the harsh, freezing winds. The bitterness made my fingers numb and the pressure causing me to nearly sneeze. It became apparent the barnyard door was somewhat open - perhaps the wind was the culprit; I remember closing it the night before. The eerie darkness of the barn proved impossible to investigate further, with no help from the matches. The wind made lighting them a difficult task. Unable to continue, I left, noticing a distant object falling at great speed in the sky. What looked like a shooting star landed not too far from me, directly into my cellar. The impact shook the earth and what sounded like unbearable thunder knocked me to my feet. Realising the possible damage that may have been caused, I eventually got to my feet and made my way towards the landing point. All I could think of as I approached the scene was what the object could have been, and I would soon find out."


Discord: Romulator#0001
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(This post was last modified: 08-24-2014, 01:07 AM by Romulator.)
08-24-2014, 12:56 AM
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