My Novel Translation Test

[Red]

I translated first page of my novel for test.
Keep in mind that my engrish sucks and i am just a newbie in the novel world, it might kill some of your brain cells like it did with mine.
I don't take any responsibility of the damage this might do.

So you have been warned.

Spoiler below!

1

Day Sanctified



I am walking towards the wedding altar and bride holds my right hand.
The bride has long thick veil on her face so i can't recognise the person
under it.
Because everything is so random and nothing makes any sense, i assume
this must be the tricks of my mind, again.
I wonder why i never have real nightmares? Something where i
wade in blood and naked chainsaw massacre guy chases after me like usually? Is it this 'cause i am not afraid of that kind of stuff anymore?
Why are horrible and boring things like weddings turning into nightmares?
I arrive to altar, the priest preaches his nonsense and it is about time
to lift the veil and look to the unknown.
Another surprise! It wasn't what i expected it to be, this dream turns worse step by step.
The bride is ugly as hell, and looks familiar... Oh wait a minute...
- ”Jone, what the hell are you doing in my dream?”
- ”What people usually do in others dreams?”
- ”Make it more horrible?”
- ”Hey don't ask me, i am product of your twisted mind”.
At the same moment, from the distance echoes and volumes up another familiar voice:
Sakari!! Hey Sakari, wake up!! I am gonna be late!!
From that, i wake up.
I find myself lying inside the bath filled with empty bottles, and for my own pleasure i have
broken some of them on the floor too, great.
I have a hung-over and i slowly begin to rub my face and eyes, while Daichi keeps moaning and repeating the same tape.
Suddenly i hear a thump on my window.
That kid started throwing snowballs, like his annoying screaming wasn't enough.
I wake up from the bath having another surprise, Oh shit....
I have a skirt on. And looks like i am almost naked too. Only panties on, female panties.
Looks like i have completely lost my yesterday, but assuming from the clothes i had some
female company. Or... i don't know, could be worse, but because i woke up this time from my own apartment, i assume everything went better this time.
I start my journey to yell Daichi to stop his snow rampage, but suddenly snowball cuts it and flies right trough my window breaking it and ending up to my forehead.
It was painful, yet refreshing way to start a day.
I rushed to window and yelled:
- "Thanks for that, i wasn't even intending to open it."
- "I am sorry for that, really, but i don't have time for useless conversations."
- "Useless? You broke my darn window."
- "Yes, and i apologized for that."
- "Your yelling was enough to ride me nuts, there was no need to broke my window."
- "Okay, okay, i get it, let's just cut to the point: the buss won't move today and might not move for awhile."
- "Let me guess, a strike."
- "Yes, News says it was caused by incident in Sector 3 East Humas."
- "Must be Renacis doings, now when even border patrol are in strike, nothing is safe there."

[OriginalUsername]

It's not that bad actually. It's not great, but it isn't the worst. The grammar makes it a bit weird sometimes, but that won't be a problem when it's in your native language.
Your conversations should loosen up. They're really stiff.. Like when the man goes to his window and the boy is like: "Yes. And I apologized." To be honest, no kid would ever say that.
I'm not an expert, I just read a lot. So don't take this like I know everything about writing, it's just the POV of a reader.
Good luck with your novel. It isn't as bad as you think it is.

[Red]

It's not that bad actually. It's not great, but it isn't the worst. The grammar makes it a bit weird sometimes, but that won't be a problem when it's in your native language.
Your conversations should loosen up. They're really stiff.. Like when the man goes to his window and the boy is like: "Yes. And I apologized." To be honest, no kid would ever say that.
I'm not an expert, I just read a lot. So don't take this like I know everything about writing, it's just the POV of a reader.
Good luck with your novel. It isn't as bad as you think it is.

Thanks, from now on if i want things translated, i ask different person to do so, it depends do i ever want the project to be translated.
And for a litte side note; don't take that "kid" from a child ,he is actually almost on his twenties.

[OriginalUsername]

Oh really? Well, it isn't clear how old he is. His behaviour and the man calling him 'kid' makes it seem like he is young. You should try to make him a bit mature or make it obvious he is childish. It will clear up some confusion.
Again, I'm not an expert, I'm just a vivid reader giving some tips. The first page isn't terrible. Or at least not as bad as you think. I'ts (I think) your first novel so it doesn't have to be top notch. Just keep writing and practicing and you'll get better.

[Red]

Oh really? Well, it isn't clear how old he is. His behaviour and the man calling him 'kid' makes it seem like he is young. You should try to make him a bit mature or make it obvious he is childish. It will clear up some confusion.
Again, I'm not an expert, I'm just a vivid reader giving some tips. The first page isn't terrible. Or at least not as bad as you think. I'ts (I think) your first novel so it doesn't have to be top notch. Just keep writing and practicing and you'll get better.

Yes, i did a little mistake there i didn't expect anyone to go critical about,
But those kind of things changes their meaning alittle when you rawly jusy translate them from another language to other.
Maybe i'll refine these irregularities later.

I admin, i am a noob and noob needs more training to become more professional,
this is my first time doing this kind of stuff, but i am glad you understood some of those random letters i put in row.

[Red]

I just translated a piece of my work. let's hope it makes even a little more sense this time:

Spoiler below!

00 - Prologue.

There's a loud explosion above, the sound echoes and rumbles the skies of Sedyn.
Metal debris scatter all around the city of Humas, among them, a fine molted pearl falls and hits the ground on level two of Northwest Humas. It bounces and rolls slowly to near street sewer.
A security camera has been installed in this same block. In it's point of view it's July 17th 2062.
It managed to record the occured. To put all this in one; this was the crucial moment that put the very end to this epoch. This is the day, everyone has waited an eternity to come.
Even though everything seems like a mystery, there's a long explanation for this all.
To start building the answer, we must go back to May 8th 2056. On that day, this same camera recorded another remarkable thing; A person who entered an apartment but didn't leave it alive...

A brown haired woman sits in the armchair teal colored bathrobe on.
Just a moment ago she returned from work and she's fagged out.
The night is dark but quiet and calm, it's a perfect time to relax and let the rush behind just for this once.
After a little slurp of wine, starts happening: She starts to feel pressure in the right side of her chest.
She's completely unaware what happens next.
After a little moment, the pain surprise and rises unbearable. This makes her bend on her chair and suffer the agony.
The feeling is so intense that she can't stand up for her feet, it's impossible, her feet feels like they're paralyzed.
The heart attack rarely strikes her age group, but this time around it chose her as it's victim.
There's no help near, she lives alone and the neighbour can't hear a thing from the soundproof apartment. The only possible help would be the phone, but unfortunately it can't be reached by hand.
Finally woman realises: the moment is hopeless, she gives up after hard fight and collapses to the floor. The jolt drops the half-full wine glass from the chair handle to the laminate, breaking it into small shards. The woman lies on the floor breathing her last breaths until the vision goes out and the everlasting peace invades the mind.
This is a good example how death chooses his client randomly and takes her away, mercilessly. Looks like this shipping clerk never ships anymore.

After about 10 minutes, a phone rings...

Tell me if you find this interesting, i might translate more.